I hope you all have been keeping it freaky while I've been away! I'll do a separate post on why I've been away later, but THIS I felt compelled to write about.
Not too long ago I was having a discussion with a friend that somehow led to me asking whether or not he had ever been "in love," to which he responded that the only relationship he could possibly say he was in love was one that took place between a 15 year old him, and a 23 year old woman. I won't allow you anytime to react here, because I think upon hearing that I reacted amply for you and I, and any other person who has wandered upon this blog in all its undiscovered glory.
He went on to mention that of course the relationship was sexual in nature, and while that is not where he learned everything, she did teach him alot.
Did I mention how disturbed I was by his story? Actually I surprised myself how upset I was about it. I surprised myself because this motherly protective part of me came out. I surprised myself because as the emotion was boiling in my blood it felt like something only a mother should feel or understand.
I was also surprised because I reacted like a prude? (that question mark was not a typo... read on before you judge) I did not react like someone, who at the age of 14, was involved with a man 6 years her senior. A man who I was in love with, care about to this day, and in many ways is for me the one who may have got away.
Before you have a misguided AHA moment as to why I enjoy and like to talk about sex so much, please put down the Oprah. Let me be clear (<--Obama voice) that I did not have sexual relations with this man (<--- Clinton voice) until I felt comfortable. There was no pressure! And since there could be a serious level of pathetic in me saying that it's up there as one of the healthier, more nurturing relationships I've ever been in... I just won't say that.
But back to my buddy old pal, who has a pre-teen son and an almost teen daughter. Ohh wait... there's a knock at my door... Guess, who just showed up? This uninvited bitch ass... Mr. Double Standard! Can you see how the convo went down hill after this sucker showed up? Sigh... let's just say when He showed up I went and got my big girl gloves to knock his ass out. And I also made sure to prepare a glass of adult tea so that at the appropriate moment I'd take a sip with my pinky in the air when my friend and I could agree to disagree.
So... when I asked him about the 15 yr old/23 yr old situation playing out with his daughter and some 23 yr old dude, he almost went ape sh!t about snatching his daughter and ending up in jail over what he would do to the dude. Awww... daddy's little girl. I respect that. It wouldn't hurt if more fathers would show up for the job like he does.
But when I asked him about the 15/23 situation playing out with his son, Double Standard hijacked the convo... and can I just say that Mr. Double Standard is like that weeble toy... or better yet a crackhead... Yes, Mr. DS is a crackhead! No matter how you try you can never knock his ass out... He wobbles, but the son of a bitch just won't fall down.
So friend's first response is that first he'd be happy to find out that his son is not gay. --_-- . Secondly, what can he say? He's 15, and it's probably better that he's sexually active with a 23 year old who is more likely to be responsible than "these [fresh] little girls" running around sexing everything and everyone. "These kids are having sex anyway."
Guys.... Can we even begin to address the plentiful issues in the above paragraph? Well let me narrow your focus. We aren't going to address the homophobia (today), you and I believe what we believe, and so does he. I'm pro-gay rights, he's not. It's like a tea partier and a liberal in a room (bad joke waiting to happen)... We can all get along, can't we?
[Deep Breath] He sparked me with the homosexual remark and then doused me in gasoline with the rest of his commentary. So much so that I took to my BB messenger list to conduct an impromptu survey of the men on my list. And while some surprised me by not falling victim to the jerk Mr. DS, others still caused me to question:
- Why is it that in the 21st Century, we cannot discern that perpetuating stereotypes of sexually aggressive men onto our boys contribute to the destruction of their innocence? As a black woman, I could argue that slavery and the consequent disadvantage being "black" has placed on us has done this. This being the inability to separate sexual power and prowess from the black man's ability to identify/define himself as a man. But then... isn't that all men? That would be a cop out, wouldn't it? Because double standards exist, their existence does not mean that we are obligated to honor them.
- Why is the innocence of a boy valued less than that of the girl when it comes to sex? Or is it not a matter of valuing a boy's innocence less, but a matter of a girl's sexuality not being her own, and being somehow wrapped up in a father's identity as a man/protector?
- Why is it that this situation with a 15 year old girl is quickly identified as rape but celebrated as an accomplishment for a 15 year old boy? Regardless of sex, race, class or creed a 15 year old is a CHILD, no? There is a certain level of helplessness that goes along with being a child. Why does that not apply to our boys? It's an issue I would not hesitate to drop in the box where Jim Crow and Apartheid now reside.
- I am not naive, I know that children are having sex. I also know that hormone raging teenagers can act most salaciously when/if left to their own devices. I am not a parent so I can only imagine the cold sweats and palpitations that the mere thought of having the sex talk with one's child induces. And because I am not a parent I guess I cannot determine where I draw the line and place all the responsibility on my non existent boy child (I know it's redundant but it's the bajan in me that says boy child rolls off the ears more smoothly) to determine himself a man by the sexual solicitation of a grown woman, cosigned by the men in his life who he regards as role models. But as a 24 year old woman, I cannot see how at my age, with what I have and have not accomplished, learned or matured into, finding myself involved with a 15/16 year old boy. Hell, it's hard enough for me to see myself with men my age. How do you justify that relationship as an adult?
- With the recent light being shone so brightly on sexual abuse in this country and elsewhere, the situation also makes me wonder how this dynamic between us as a community and our boys actually provide a safe haven for boys being abused to come forward? How do you approach the man you emulate and idolize about something that may not feel right to you, but is not condemned or is encouraged by him?
- How/What about the power struggle of the cultural psyche - to have a man be a victim at the hands of a woman sexually?
- Is fifteen that critical age? Just before 16... the cusp of the cusp of cusp of manhood? Is that the age where parents give their boys condoms along with the talk?
I'm not judging my friend as a parent, as a father. He loves his children. But it did get me to thinking about parenthood and how far outside ourselves it forces us to reach - that even though this is what, and sometimes all, we know, there must be better, and better is what we [should] desire for our children.
Double standards are yet to adequately protect lives. I don't care what you argue. The greatest crimes and atrocities ever committed were due to double standards which, let's not be shy about it, are the offspring of superiority complexes and hate.
So to my non-existent children, half of each of you in my testy & dramatic ovaries, the other half of you roaming around in some worthy man's nut sac, I just want you to know that I value you. Your innocence and humanity is worth more to me than a penny. I will protect you and empower you with knowledge so that when that bastard DS comes knocking you won't have to fight him, he'll look at you and already know that he has no business where you are. And if by chance push comes to shove you still know how to knock his ass out. I will teach you, so that your power is always yours - not to be wielded against another but to uplift.
*Get Geeked*
P.S. This is not the usual F&G post but it is something that I believe needs to be thought about. I'm not a parent, maybe you are... or you aren't. What do you think? Leave your feedback.
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