Date Chronicles: Disaster Young'n

Disclaimer: The Date Chronicles Series is inspired by real events experienced by the author or someone else. Names have been changed to protect the identities of the parties involved. 

Enter: Disaster Young'n

The youngster (early 20's) artistic, ambitious, and FLYer than <<<<<

Sigh. Besides all his tuba blowing (as opposed to horn tooting) he held no doors, pulled no chairs, was significantly involved with his IPhone4 and reflective surfaces, and somehow couldn't get the convo past "Oh my God you are so gorgeous."

I'm not complaining, and I know some of you think that's something you want to hear all night on a first date but it's actually kind of annoying. Especially when efforts to take conversation beyond ego strokes and name dropping some how end up back at square 1.

Actually... the date didn't go all that bad. After dinner he surprised me with a kiss preceded by "I've been wanting to do this all night."... Anyways... horrible timing... I had just freshened up with an HD pink lip gloss that had lots of grown up glitter in it... the really small kind that is only visible when light hits it. Ladies know what I mean. (hehehehehehe) This is definitely where things got obviously hilarious. Once I let him know that he had some gloss on him that was going nowhere, this is where the EGO reared its ugly head and introduced itself to me, like an alternate personality, with the infamous Self absorbed freakout. What is the Self absorbed freakout? Well grandma would call it a clear indication of someone who is "sweet on himself." And Young'n did not disappoint!!!


His SAF looked like this: a frantic race from reflective surface to reflective surface, (car windows, store front displays, restaurant windows, and of course the snazzy IPhone4) frenzied wiping with a napkin that appeared from nowhere, and repeated probing, "Is it gone yet? I'm a dude... I can't walk around with this shit on my face! Is it gone?" 

If the hysterical laughter that my inside voice was engaging in at that moment could have been heard by the world, it would resemble something that only a hybrid specimen of Steve Harvey, Dane Cook, Katt Williams, Richard Pryor, Kevin Hart and Rob Stapleton could instigate. Who does this? For 3 long NYC blocks this is what you're gonna do? SO I laughed... but enough to keep his fragile and still developing male ego in "light and love". 

We then ended up under a bridge connecting Brooklyn to NY. Where the trains raced by over head but somehow did not take away from the romantic quotient of the little nook of peace in a bustling city. It was beautiful. A clear night sky, great weather, water breaking on the shore, citylights reflecting off the water... I was impressed! And somehow I forgot the glitter fiasco. That was until the convo led to past relationships and eventually sex...


Then he said, "You know, I don't mean to brag, but I'm really good in bed" (x_x) and took my hand, placed it on his crotch, and said "see, that's at least 9 inches of good luvin. I'm telling you, I'm hung. Feel it!" 


On the one hand the freak in me respected his directness, but also prevented me from believing any more of the tuba blowing. On the other hand the geek in me was quite disturbed and gave him the wtf-are-u-doing-right-now?" look.


I didn't run though. I went on with the date and we spontaneously ended up at a performance of Jojo Mayer (awesome music btw).


We rode the train home. And it didn't take me the entire ride to know that he was definitely not for me.... Ginormous penis and all.